But godliness with contentment is great gain.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about going back to work. I don't go back until the end of March, but in true worrier fashion, I started thinking about it as soon as the calendar turned to 2010. As long as it was still 2009, the end of March seemed a long way away. Now it doesn't.

At the very beginning of January it was "but I still have more time off left ahead of me than behind me". And then a few days later when I hit the halfway point, it was "but I still have 2 months left" and soon it will be "but I still have 1 month left" and then I will be counting days.

Can you tell my glass is half empty on this topic, even though I'm trying to think in terms of half full?

I think about winning the lottery. I think about my dream job: getting paid to interview people and write their stories. I think about discovering oil in our backyard.

A few days ago, a whisper in the back of my mind started:

Contentment. Godliness.

They were breezy thoughts that would float by.

And they've gotten stronger. This morning it was a reader board scrolling red words in my head: But godliness with contentment is great gain. But godliness with contentment is great gain.

And then the words would come up one at a time.

Godliness.

Contentment.

Great gain.

And then they would come up and start flashing.

Godliness. Godliness. Godliness.

Contentment. Contentment. Contentment. CONTENTMENT.

1 Timothy 6:6-10 But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.

Hm. That stings.

Truth be told, it's not only because we have Gabriel that I don't want to go back. It's because I just don't want to work. Even before Gabriel I didn't want to work. I think it's been a good three years since I was actually excited about going to work. Sure, some of it is the job and questioning whether it matters, whether there's value in it, whether it's fulfilling. But a healthy portion of it is just laziness.

I would really like for that to change. I really hope that I want it to change enough for it to change. I am tired of not being content.