Mom

When Gabe was around 2 months old, I spent a very long night trying to get him to settle down and give in to sleep.  We had moved him into his crib in his bedroom at 6 weeks old, so comforting his middle of the night fussiness now meant groggily walking down the hall instead of taking two steps to the playpen from my side of the bed.

On this particular very long night, I remember 5 or 6 instances of hearing him fuss, immediately getting up, going in to pat him or give him his pacifier, him quieting down, me going back to bed, laying there for a few minutes trying to relax back in to sleep and thinking "He's still quiet, this 3rd (4th...5th...6th...) time might be the charm", and then he'd start fussing again and I'd repeat the pattern.

After the 5th or 6th time, I had an epiphany.

I got it.  I mean, I got it.  Really GOT it.  For a brief moment I saw backwards and forwards in time and I truly, deeply, profoundly understood.  And consider this:  at that point, I had only had my baby for 2 months.  So in the grand scheme of things, if we make a couple assumptions (admittedly, they're pretty sweeping assumptions, but go with me on this) and say that on average, a person's lifespan is 75 years, and on average, a person that has kids has 2 of them, then my epiphany was only really a .2%* understanding.  A .2% understanding!  That's less than half a percent!  It's less than a third of a percent!  So what I'm trying to get across here is that I had what felt like a HUGE moment of clarity, and really it was based on a very small amount of experience, so imagine what that clarity is like for parents that have watched their kids grow up, and have had more than 2 kids!!

So after all that, what was my big "A-HA!!!!" you ask?  Well rest assured, I haven't brought you this far into this post to desert you now.

I realized that no matter how exhausted, weary, rundown (and every other synonym you can think of for tired) I might feel, and no matter how frustrated, exasperated, flummoxed and confused at how to help my baby relax and sleep I might be, I would keep trying, keep getting up, keep comforting, keep nurturing that baby...because that's what being his mom means.  And in that moment I understood that this is what my mom felt for me.  This is what my mom did for me.  This is what my mom does for me.

I love my mom.  And I tell her that.  And I thank her for stuff.  And I've been telling her I love you and telling her thank you for various things for years.  But I didn't get the enormity of what what her motherhood has entailed until that moment.  And I only understood .2% of it.

The moments after the big moment were spent welling up in tears.  Lying there, waiting to see if Gabe would fuss again, a million examples of her sacrifice and giving came into my head; crashing like waves one after another, each one not able to be a fully formed thought before the next one rushed in.

Gabe is now almost 7 months old, which means I now have a .7% understanding****.

So Mom, I want to thank you for a little of that .7% that I've got experience with. 

Thank you for every minute of sleep you gave up for me.  Thank you for every meal you didn't eat or didn't get to eat until you were WAY past hungry because you were making sure I got fed.  Thank you for every hug, every kiss, every cuddle.  Thank you for every minute of alone time with Dad you gave up so that we could have family time.  Thank you for enduring splashfests during bathtime.  Thank you for cherishing my smiles.  Thank you for singing to me.  Thank you for reading to me.  Thank you for keeping me safe.  Thank you for finding delight in my giggles and laughter.  Thank you for being in awe of the Miracle of Life.  Because of your reverence, I truly believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Thank you for being excited and encouraging when I could first hold a spoon, hold a cup, reach for a toy...thank you for challenging my growth and expanding my horizons by putting that toy a little further away, and thank you for cheering my accomplishment when I determined to get that toy and succeeded.  Thank you for having a sense of wonder and discovery and truly finding joy in trying to see the world through a baby's eyes.

Mom, thank you for caring for my son.  Thank you for the privilege of getting to see, as an adult, some of how you likely interacted with me when I was a baby.  The joy and delight you take in watching Gabe grow and learn; the way you talk to him; the way you play with him...I see it with an adult perspective and the child in me feels cherished and treasured.

I am so very lucky, so very blessed, so very honored to have you as my mother.

Circa 1975

*Assuming my lifespan is 75 years, and I had Gabe at 35 yrs old, I will have 40 years alive with Gabe (hopefully more, but I'm explaining my math in this asterisk footnote, so let's not get off track).  That's 480 months, and if we assume the average of 2 kids per person that has kids, that's 960 months**.  2 months out of 960 total months is .2%

** I get that evenly doubling the months isn't completely accurate, because doubling it assumes that the 2 kids are born at the same time.  How about you stop being so picky and just work with me, here?***

***Forgive the sarcasm...it's just that I'm tired of writing these explanatory footnotes and I want to go back to writing the post, so I'm a bit cranky.

****See*